LETTING GO & LOVING YOU

Hey everyone.

It’s been a while since I blogged. Work has been really demanding and somehow I just kept pushing blogging down my priority list. I am going to work really hard to keep putting up posts.

Now, to my thoughts for today...

Sometimes, getting into a relationship means letting go of things that were once dear to you. These could include activities or habits that have become like a second nature to you.

One of such is Pride. Women of this age have grown to be very self-sufficient and along with that can come a feeling of pride. You may need to let go of your pride if you want a successful relationship.  Submitting to a man requires a great deal of humility, especially if he is not as affluent or as educated as you are. Plus apologizing and owning up to your mistakes isn’t necessarily the easiest thing to do, you know...

Some of the friends you kept as a single lady cannot be a part of your transition into a wife and mother (to-be). Yes, you had your fun times together and all that, but if you want to have a successful and peaceful relationship cum home, not all friends are needed. That friend of yours who constantly preaches and practices gender equality isn’t really your best option for a ‘soul-sister’ if you are in an altar-bound relationship, especially with an African man. Miss me with that feminism rant; I think it’s just a desperate cry for attention. Why should I spend my whole life trying to prove that I am as good as the very thing that I am not - a man? I am not a man, can never be a man and will never aspire to be a man. Feminism sounds good in theories and textbooks, translating it to real-life scenarios can be a very bad idea.

Ladies, sometimes your independence and self-sufficiency has to be buried. A man wants to feel needed. You better make him feel like “the man” in your life. I never said for you to become a spineless worm neither did I say for you to hide your true status. Allow him see your strengths and accomplishments but keep it all aside and let him take over whenever he is around. All that “I’ve got my thing going on-Miss independent” crap has to die. He should come pick you out for dinner even if it means leaving your Mercedes G-Class parked and riding in his Toyota. He should open the door for you. He should be the handyman around the house. Allow him be the boss whenever you are together. Ego is like oxygen to the typical man. Stroke his ego and you’ll find that men are really just grown babies.

Your freedom to do as you like ends once you become a Mrs. You need to please your husband, not just for his own sake, but for your own peace of mind too. Cook the dishes he likes. And yes I said COOK. What good is a woman who cannot cook? If you find out he likes a particular look or scent, incorporate it into your style. 

You can no longer go and come as you wish. Hanging out all night long with your single sisters cannot feature on your routine weekend plans. 

A committed relationship and marriage comes along with a big bag of responsibilities. You cannot be irresponsible and expect to have the ‘heaven on earth’ experience in your home.

However, there is one thing you must never let go off. This is regardless of how fine or rich or posh or spiritual or anointed or intelligent or (fill-in-the-blank) he is.

Ladies, NEVER EVER EVER let go off your self-esteem.

If he treats you like you should be grateful that he is with you, you need to take a walk.

If he is abusive- physically, verbally, emotionally or psychologically- please get out of the relationship. 

Being in a relationship or being married is a great, note-worthy accomplishment but it is definitely not the be-all and say-all of your existence as a woman. 

Do not worship the ground any man walks on, that is flat-out IDOLATRY. No man is God. If he does not appreciate your good, bad and ugly; he is not worth the hassle.

Learn to love yourself adequately. You can never have a healthy self-esteem if you don’t love yourself. Please note that what I am referring to here is not self-pleasuring. I am talking about appreciating yourself and believing you deserve the best. 

One good way to do this – especially if you loathe your body- is to stand naked in front of a mirror, stare pointedly at every part of your body and make sure you say something nice about it. 

Truth be told, it may not necessarily be the easiest thing to do at first but you have to fake it till you make it. Repeat it to yourself every morning until you believe it.

I am not telling you to deceive yourself. If you need to hit the gym to loose a few kilograms, by all means please do so. What I am saying is to love yourself through the process. Love the fat you, love the sweaty you, love the aching you ;only then will you be able to love the person you become after you have lost all the extra weight and toned up nicely.

Ladies, if you refuse to love this present you, please be assured that you will never love whoever you become. If you hate your size 18 figure, even when you work out and become a size 10, you will still find something to hate about yourself - maybe the extra skin that jiggles around when you move. And even if your body is perfect, you will channel that self-loathing to something else.

Love the uneducated you while you attend weekend classes and work two jobs and still go to night school. Only then can you love the B.SC or MSC holder that you will become.

Love the single, unattached you while you are making yourself available to be found. Only then can you love the engaged and married you.

Self-loathing is a vicious cycle that you want to avoid by all means.

This write-up started out with a part on the things you may need to give-up when you get into a committed relationship or marriage. But I am ending with an admonition that you never give up your self-esteem.

If that man walks because you refuse to become his mindless zombie, it’s okay. It’ll hurt for a while- it takes longer for people like me. But know that it’ll definitely stop hurting one day. 

You may never find someone as ‘perfect’ as he was, but you are giving yourself the chance to be found by another man who will treat you like the Queen that you are. 

As time goes by, you will come to understand that it is not really about how perfect a man is, but how perfectly he loves your imperfections. 

Stay blessed.

Love you silly.